I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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