Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
