I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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