I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
there's paper in my vomit.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
