The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
