I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
