i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
