yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
