Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
