Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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