i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
