I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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