I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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