how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
