It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
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