He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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