I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
operation have a gay friend backfired
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
