we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
