I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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