How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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