Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
