Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
