Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
