Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Life without a bra equals bliss.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
