I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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