She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
