I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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