yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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