it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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