HIV tests are more positive than that guy
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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