It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
