Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
