oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
