Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
