dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
