do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
