Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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