I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
