when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
