Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
