apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
