The maid of honor just puked.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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