My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
