I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
