That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
