Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
