I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
