i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
