Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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