it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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